


Once More With Feeling

by notaship_acanoe



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon Divergent, Charlies still alive, I tried my best to make it legit and stuff, M/M, Multiple Pov, Post Season 10, Pretend episodes 10 x 21 to 10 x 23 didnt happen, Season 10 Spoilers, so I hope its okay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-27
Updated: 2015-05-27
Packaged: 2018-04-01 12:21:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4019548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notaship_acanoe/pseuds/notaship_acanoe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the removal of the Mark of Cain, Dean isn't back to "normal". Except around the presence of Castiel. While on a hunt, Sam realizes Dean was worse than he thought and together, Cas, Sam and Dean start on the long road to getting Deans emotions back, along the way realizing things they never knew about themselves. And each other.</p><p>*Unfinished*</p>
            </blockquote>





	Once More With Feeling

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from the musical episode of Buffy  
> I don't own any of these characters.  
> Unbeta'd  
> Any mistakes or suggestions? Letting me know would be great!  
> This it still in very early stages, mostly posting for friends to read so everything is very so-so. And incomplete.  
> So sorry bout that :P

It started with a kiss.

It wasn't a magical kiss, there were no fireworks, no sparks, it wasn't even his own kiss. But after everything he had been through, everything that had happened, all the sadness and the pain and the death, this kiss might possibly have been the most important moment of Dean Winchesters shitty existence.

It was only appropriate that it ended with a kiss too.

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Dean was awake, lying on his back staring at the floral wallpaper illuminated by the tacky Neon sign outside his window. The ratty curtains not even trying to shield the room from its garish pink glow. He had been mindlessly tracing the pattern with his eyes when the thought came to him. It wasn't like an epiphany, nor a moment of realization... More like his mind had finally come to a rest, a conclusion. There had been moments in his life, brief periods of time where Dean had felt truly happy. But as the years wore on, these fleeting moments of joy became few and far beyond, to the point that when such a rare moment surfaced, he held onto for dear life. But now, lying in a trashy motel room, he realized the one constant in his recent moments of happiness.

Castiel.

It wasn't just the happiness though, it was the feeling. Around Castiel he had begun to feel again. The bland empty emotionless existence he had been living was constantly being interrupted by that damned angel. When he was around, Dean felt it all. Fear, anger, sadness, pain... But also comfort, excitement, hope, Happiness...

When the mark had finally been removed from his arm Dean had felt relieved, then horrified, then nothing. But after the days of writhing in pain, pain he could only hope his memory foam wouldn't remember, he wasn't too concerned.

When they had discovered the price of having the mark removed, Sam had almost refused. But Dean knew that it was a price worth paying, because no pain was worse that what he would feel if the mark took over once again. Of course Dean had never anticipated the pure agony of having to live through each and every single death he had inflicted while in possession of the mark. Staring into his own cold eyes again and again, feeling the pain, and the horror as the knife slashed down, the trigger pulled.

After it all ended, he thanked the heavens that he never had to be in Castiel's mind, that he never had to see the same icy stare through his best friends eyes, never had to feel the betrayal, the hurt that would have cascaded through him as the angel blade pierced his heart. He thanked the heavens that he had managed to stop himself from killing one of the only friends he had ever had.

Jolted back to the present with that sobering thought Dean rolled to his side, mind poking at the phenomenon of his switch coming back on in the presence of Castiel. He hadn't told Sam about this of course, didn't want his brother worrying that Dean had lost his soul. Well that was his excuse anyway. Truthfully, Dean had already checked, in the early hours of one night, weeks after he first noticed his severe lack of emotion. The sensation of the angel reaching into his chest was uncomfortable, but when the gentle hands caressed his soul, suddenly he was back in hell. Or at least on his way out of hell. Being shielded by Castiels beating wings. It made him just that much more grateful that he hadn't repaid Castiel with death.

So he knew it was there, that it wasn't his soul that was missing... Just everything else was.

It wasn't like his world came alive around Cas or anything, more like he began noticing the excitement before a hunt or the sorrow he felt when someone had lost their child. In his presence he didn't have to pretend, he didn't have to observe Sams face and mimic whichever emotion he was expressing. Because of this, Dean began to wonder what it was that Castiel was doing to bring out these feelings. Because figuring that out was the key to bringing everything back. He wanted to be back. Dean Winchester, for the first time in his life, wanted to _**feel something**_.

And so it began.

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For the first time in weeks Dean had had a dreamless sleep, Sam knew this because he wasn’t rudely awakened by the frantic thrashing about that Dean had become rather apt to doing. He didn't blame him of course, after all, Sam too was often waking Dean with his very own nightmares. It was just an unspoken rule that they never mentioned this to each other.

"Hey, Dean."

Sam leant over his brother gently shaking his shoulder before leaping athletically out of the way as Dean surfaced from sleep, brandishing a knife even before his eyes were fully open.

"God dammit Sam! Don't do that to me!"

Dean was in a good mood today.

As soon as he had assessed that there was no immediate danger in the vicinity, Dean's entire body softened. His knife went back under his pillow and he rolled back to stare at the ceiling. Sam watched him, bemused, it was good to see Dean relaxed, the paranoia which had seeped into his mind was finally fading. Chuckling, Sam ran a hand through his hair and turned to head out the door.

"Hey do you want me to get you anything for breakfast?"

A groan was thrown at him from the bed.

Dean had been different in the months that had come after the removal of the mark, not that Sam was surprised. He had often needed to leave the bunker, leave Dean in Castiel's care while he himself hid from the cries of pain radiating throughout the many rooms. To make up for this cowardice, Sam, as he always did, kept a careful eye on his brother, he saw Dean struggling to light the spark in his eyes, he noticed his distinct lack of enthusiasm while watching the latest episodes of Game of Thrones, but most worrying he heard the brakes squeak as he started up the Impala.

Oh his way back from the diner, Deans burger sitting shotgun, Sam made the strategic decision to swing by an auto shop. He really wished he hadn't. Finding that the breaks were the least of his problems he decided to call for backup.

Staring at the list of maintenance baby needed, Sam prayed to Cas. It was rare that the angel was away from the Winchesters these days. It seemed more often than not he preferred the company of a couple of hunters over his real family. Sam wasn't surprised, Angels were dicks.

When he finally did return to the motel room Sam didn't exactly have a plan of attack, so he opted for barging into the room brandishing the list and a burger. But stopped abruptly when he saw Dean in the same position in which he had been left, this time a little more upright.

"I.. can explain?"

Waving a hand about the older man struggled to come up with a worthy excuse as to why exactly he hadn't even showered yet. The groan that followed made it clear that there was no explanation. At least he's sitting up was the thought that graced Sam's mind just as a flop signaled the irony of that statement.

Deans meager breakfast found its way to the table as Sam’s limber body followed suit. Leaning his elbows on his knees, he watched Dean gingerly stand up.

“Looks like we were chasing the wrong thing, I just talked to Cas. He says the disappearances aren’t Djinn.”

Sam noted the change in Dean, the straightening of his back, the nervous rubbing of his neck.

“Cas huh? Where's he now?”

His pathetic attempt at sounding nonchalant almost had Sam cracking a smile, but he held it in. Dean wouldn't appreciate it.

Right on cue, the rustling of wings indicated His arrival.

“Here.”

Spending time with the Winchesters had made him dramatic. Sam half expected a flourish as he said it.

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Sam had been tiptoeing around Dean for weeks, pampering him with breakfast in bed and letting him skive off research for hunts. Dean was getting sick of it. But this was a new tactic of Sams, calling in Cas behind Dean's back saying who knows what about Dean... Maybe Sam had noticed Dean's shift around Castiel too, he just thought it was something diff- no! Sam knew better than that.

"Uh, hey Cas, where've you been?"

Upon Hearing the gravelly voice sound behind him, Dean had turned, question on his lips and worry in his eyes. Not at all surprised to find that Castiel, once again appeared just a little too close to him. Not that he had a problem, Cas was probably just getting used to his wings again. He's only had them back for what? 3 months?

"I've been... Busy. There was a problem up in heaven and Hannah needed my help."

A pause.

"Is something wrong Dean?"

Dean realized too late that he'd been staring. Catching Sams raised eyebrows as he backed away, he just shrugged, no use in explaining. Now that Cas was back he could start figuring out what kind of angel mojo was making him temporarily better.

It wasn't hard to slip back into the well oiled routine they had engraved in their minds, a routine in which somewhere along the way Cas had become fully integrated into. The flicker of Sam's laptop lit up his face as the sun went down while Cas began to struggle to read in the dimming light. It wasn't long before their hands were thrown up in frustration and they joined Dean on the couch.

Sandwiched between the two, Dean felt rather awkward, acutely aware of Castiel's looming presence on his left and Sam’s less imposing figure on his right, Dean began to feel rather set up.

"So, what'd you guys find? Any new leads?"

Pushing himself up from his knees, with the pretense of getting a drink. Dean went to stand but found himself being pulled back down into the sunken cushions.

"Dean, we need to talk"

"Your brother is right Dean, something is wrong with you."

Pushing away the urge to fight them off Dean breathed in and focused his tired eyes on the peeling wall behind the TV.

He knew they would stage an intervention eventually, Cas had been suspicious since the soul incident and it wasn't much of a leap for Sam to make either. But if he had know it would be so soon he would have had time to prepare a decent lie. Shuffling through potential covers, he opted for the easiest. Denial.

"Woah guys, I was just getting a beer"

arms raising alongside his façade he eyed the pair. When had they gotten so good at silently communicating? He continued playing the denial card.

"Anyway, What makes you think anything is wrong with me?"

Castiel lay a hand softly on Dean, causing his green eyes to flash at him. Castiel didn't meet the gaze with submission, instead his expression softened and shifted into concern.

"You haven't been looking after yourself, Baby-"

Sams face collided with the back of Dean's head as he jerked back, reclaiming his arm.

"Hey hey hey, easy there Jack Twist, Who the hell are you calling baby?!"

Cas looked confused, and Sam's groan from behind him wasn't much on an answer either. Too late Dean realized that Cas wasn't calling him a term of endearment, and mentally kicked himself.

"Ow!"

Okay maybe it wasn't a mental kick.

"He was talking about your car Dean."

The bitterness somehow managed to make it through Sam's tightly clenched teeth as his suppressed frustration with Dean threatened to boil over, but of course it didn't. Sam was by far used to being polite, in times of strife.

Thinking better of kicking his brother a second time, Dean kept his chastising internal as he belatedly realized he was standing in a three foot deep hole, and had just picked up a shovel. He knew that normal Dean would have picked up on that small detail immediately, but apathetic Dean never spared a thought for his car other than when he was driving it. Obviously a mistake. He was slipping, he had been for a while and despite Castiel's infrequent breaks in his shell. Dean was over it. All the faux emotions, the fake laughs, struggling to stay on top of what he should be feeling. He didn't have the motivation to pay attention to Baby, he had been slipping on hunts, opting to be lookout or do research rather than have to shuffle through the avalanche of emotions attached to every situation, struggling to select the correct one to display. It wasn't like he didn't care, he would still be willing to die for his brother, and for Cas but it wouldn't be a sacrifice it would be more of a fulfillment of duty. Dean supposed it was time to ask for help.

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Nursing his bruises Sam waited patiently for Deans next excuse, when it didn’t come, he looked at him. Dean's head was hung low and his eyes were looking at something Sam couldn’t see. As he watched, Sam saw the blank expression morph into one of defeat. Dean never gave up so easily, recently he had lost his fight, lost the fire in his eyes. Sam had chalked it down to the removal of the mark and the guilt of what he did with it, but in the moment of seeing the utter decimation of Deans willpower he knew. This was bigger than the mark.

(Chapter is currently unfinished sorry)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> I'll update the next chapter in a week or so, I hope you like it! :)  
> Please tell me what you think.


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